It is Well

Today I will be questioned about everything I have ever done.

From the Book of Common Prayer for Ordinary Radicals January 4:
Song “It is Well with My Soul”

As I sit across from my questioner my anxiety is high.

Psalm 23 You spread a table before me in the presence of those who trouble me: you have anointed my head with oil, and my cup runs over.

How will I ever be able to do this? I am not sure I can do it on my own.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

A text from a friend:

Gotcha.  “Be strong and courageous”.  Praying God goes before you and prepares your heart for the day.

It really is well with my soul.

Joy to the World

It is Christmas in Kazakhstan
There is a dusting of snow across the desert
The Christmas story is read
Behold the Lamb is playing on my way to work
Nothing can steal my joy today
Although there is plenty that tries
O come Emmanuel
God feels very near

Finding Christmas

I walked across the desert back to the room. It is snowing. Not hard. But enough flakes are coming out of the sky to change the feel and mood of my walk. It feels Christmasy.

This year I will spend Christmas in Kazakhstan away from family. There are people here - co-workers - that I will share a Christmas dinner with. Even with that being the case, I will be alone. Alone has been my theme for this year.

Growing up Christmas was for me, like most kids, a big deal. I looked forward to the holiday with a sense of wonder. Mom and dad made it that way for us. Dad would quote Scrooge often saying “bah humbug”, but when it came to it he loved Christmas too.

One year we got home from a hour long drive from our grandparents house on Christmas Eve. It was dark and cold and my brother and I were excited about this being the night that Santa would come. There was a knock at the door. Dad went away and was gone for a bit. He closed the door and he and mom came into our room and said “That was Santa. He can’t bring in your presents until you are asleep. He is going to the neighbor’s house and will swing back by. If you aren’t asleep he will have to move on.” We didn’t have a fireplace or a chimney for Santa to descend so it made perfect sense to us that he would knock on the door. We jumped into our PJs and turned off the light and tried our hardest to fall asleep. I realize now this was a sneaky way for mom and dad to get time alone on Christmas Eve but for us it added to the wonder of Christmas.

I remember mom getting together with my aunts and them making Christmas treats. One aunt made this hard red transparent candy that was cinnamon flavored and burned your tongue. There were cookies, cakes, chocolate and pecan sandies. Mom made peanut butter bon bons and turtles. Those two desserts mean Christmas to me. And they add to the wonder.

Most years we would dig through the TV guide to figure out when the movie ‘A Christmas Carol’ would come on. We loved the combination of a Christmas story mixed with a ghost story. It scared me and inspired me all at the same time. When our kids got to junior high their school would take them on a field trip around Christmas to the Alley Theater in Houston to see their on-stage version of A Christmas Carol. I would volunteer as a chaperone every year I could because I love the story so much. In recent years we have seen the play a couple of times in London. One version was an over the top glitzy version and another was a sparse stage. The later was much better. But every time I have seen A Christmas Carol performed in whatever format, it has caused in me a sense of wonder.

A while back Andrew Peterson wrote and recorded a Christmas album called ‘Behold the Lamb of God’. It is well written and tells the Christmas story in an original way with the appropriate brevity. The music sets the proper tone for every movement of the story. It is good to listen to the recorded version but what is even better is to see it performed live. Many of the past Christmases since it was released we have gone to see Andrew Peterson and his band of merry musicians perform ‘Behold the Lamb of God’ live. It is the story that matters most at Christmas and adds to the wonder.

This year while I am alone in Kazakhstan I want to, even long to, find Christmas wherever I can. I see it and feel it in the light snow as I walk. I downloaded ‘A Christmas Carol’ to read. Even though I have seen it performed I have never read Dickens’ words. I have just finished reading about the ghost of Christmas past and the story is even richer to me now as it goes from the page into my head. I walked to work this morning and listened to the live version of ‘Behold the Lamb of God’. I cried in a couple of places. It moved me to be grateful that God became a man for the benefit of all of humanity. When I get home after Christmas we will celebrate late with our kids on New Year’s. We are calling it New Christmas. I will make peanut butter bon bons and turtles. And I will feel the wonder and find Christmas wherever I can. Maybe Santa will even knock on the door.

Gather 'round ye children, come
Listen to the ol. old story
Of the pow'r of Death undone
By an infant born of glory
Andrew Peterson 'Gather Round ye Children Come'

Wild

I like wild.

The trouble I got myself into included wild. Wild is part of the reason I kept going back. The trouble I got myself into was trouble because what I was doing was wrong and the wild part of it was wrong as well. Even though that is true wild is not always wrong.

In order to subdue my harmful desires there are boundaries and rules. Certain people have permission to ask probing questions and they come in various forms.

•   How are you doing resisting tempting lustful thoughts? Have you looked when you shouldn’t?
•  Do you really need to check your 401k everyday?
•  Are you sure eating that way is healthy? How many drinks have you had this week?
•  Are you working as hard as you could be?
•  Have you reacted in anger to your family, friends or coworkers?
•  Are you looking for something else when what you have is good enough to meet your needs?
•  Are you doing what you do because it feeds your ego?

 Lust, greed, gluttony, sloth, anger, envy and pride - the things that could kill me.

I wonder if I can ever be good enough. Is perfection the only standard? If so I am doomed. Are these fences to protect another’s yard? Or are they a cage for the animal - taking what was once wild and making it tame?

Why can't you, be more like your older brother
Why can't you, do a little more for Jesus
Blood pressure
Do better!
 - Mutemath, Blood Pressure

I’m growing fond of broken people
Cause I see that I am one of them
- Mutemath, Pins and Needles

I hiked with my son into the mountains. We carried everything we needed to survive for a couple of days on our backs. I enjoyed so many parts of it. The strenuous walk through the snow. The warmth of a campfire while sipping a wee dram. The companionship of my son. The beauty of the fourteen thousand foot peaks surrounding the valley we camped in. Seeing the moose graze by the clear stream in the morning. I loved it because it was wild.

In the morning when I am at work I walk from my room through the desert for 2 miles to my office. In the evening I walk back. There is a bus that I refuse to ride. I do this in the summer heat and in the winter cold. I avoid barking dogs and a local who tried to hit me with his car. I enjoy it because it keeps me healthy. I like that people think that doing it is strange and even a bit noble and it feeds my ego. I need the mental space without people for my mind to wander and either prepare for or decompress from my day.

When I am at home I walk through the hills in the Texas hill country. I like that there are sweeping views. I like that the walk is steep in places. I sometimes see whitetail deer. I feel like this is the place I am supposed to be because the air smells like home. More than anything I love my daily walks when I am away for work and when I am at home because they are wild.

I work out most mornings. I ride a stationary bike. I row on a rowing machine. I ‘run’ on an elliptical. I walk/run on the treadmill. I lift weights. I don’t do all of those things every day. I work out because it makes me healthy. I like the feeling of sweating. I enjoy when I feel strong. And I like the way consistent exercise makes me look. More than any reason I do it because there is an aspect of wild in a good work out.

I dug a hole a bit over 44 inches in diameter and 10 inches deep just far enough away from the back porch. I removed rocks and dirt. I leveled the bottom of the hole and poured in paving sand and then started building a circle of brick pavers. Once the bricks were three layers thick and protruded from the ground couple of inches I put red lava rock in the bottom. I took flat rocks from the yard and paved the ground around it. In the dark of the morning after the fire pit was completed I built the first fire in it. I sat in a chair and stared into the glow and felt the warmth while I drank my morning coffee. I enjoyed seeing the thing I had built serve its purpose. I felt a sense of accomplishment of having conceived of and constructed something with my hands. I love our fire pit because there is something primal about a fire. I love it because it is wild.

Wrong is wrong.

Sometimes wild is wrong.

Sometimes wild is so right.

Safe? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he is good. - C. S. Lewis, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe

..you can’t escape it - there is something wild in the heart of every man. - John Eldredge, Wild at Heart

Searching and Fearless

We made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.

List strengths and list weaknesses in every aspect and time-frame of life.

I am so weak.

Some know me and love me in spite of who I am.
Some barely know and believe I should be despised.

Who knows who I really am?

I want to be perfect.
I am not perfect.
Why can't I be perfect?

Is it okay that I am still in process?

For I know my transgressions and my sin is ever before me. -David the King of the Jews

And in my dreams I come out clean
When I reach the other side
West of where the sun sets
Where rainbows never die
- The Steeldrivers

He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. - Paul the Apostle of Jesus

Desire

I work hard. I am good at my job, really good, and yet I am not paid the salary that matches my skill. If I had just a little more money I would be able to have the house that would be the envy of my guests. My car would not just be reliable, it would shout who I am to all of those who see me drive it. If I was paid what I am worth my wife and I could go out every once in a while for the dates we both desire. Is it too much to ask to live a life of comfort instead of worrying about finances? That would be the life.
Oh, to live the minimalistic life. A life of simplicity in a small house in the woods by a stream. I would eat the food I harvest from my own garden and enjoy eggs for breakfast from the chickens that live free range in my yard. I would only use the electricity produced from the solar farm in my open field. Living on just the basics I would require very little from the world around me. All the while enjoying the simple things like sitting in a porch swing and watching the sun go down. Money would not be important to me because I would not need much. That would be the life.

My world would be a better place if I could just have a few close friends who know absolutely everything about me and I know all there is to know about them. Despite the knowing we would still be close friends. I want to have friends who mutually share joy, hardships, food, drink and intellectual conversation.
The best place to live is in a world of my own making. To be alone. How can I know myself and know the true nature of God if I don't spend time exploring the depths of my mind, emotions and soul. To examine self in relation to everything around me in silence and solitude. To live a life of joy in my own company. To know what there is to know and do what there is to do ... all by myself.

I long for a romantic long term committed relationship with one person who will be at my bedside or I will be at theirs when one of us dies. I want to be with the person God assigned just for me from the foundation of creation. The one I can stick with through the joy and pain. No matter what comes we will be together forever.
I don't think they understand me. Maybe we committed ourselves to a lifelong relationship in haste without understanding. There is so much hurt and so many things we may never be able to get beyond in our relationship. Maybe we would both be better off if we would end it here and go out on our own. It's okay to blame it on me if it means we can both be free. "I know its hard to say 'throw it all away' but the odds are we'll be better off." -Mutemath

I ache to travel the world. To see the sights. To smell the smells and taste the food  and listen to the languages of other cultures. I have to walk the mountains, feel the sticky salt air of the oceans, taste the wine, coffee and whisky, and sleep under the moon and stars of the places unfamiliar to me.
What I really need is to be home in front of a fire in the cool of autumn. To work a garden and build a fence and improve by my own hand the land that is mine. To mold it to my will where it is my place. The place in the world I call my own and will live and never leave until the day I die.

"The fever's getting higher ... desire." U2

" Daddy, I want a squirrel." - Veruca Salt, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

"We are limited in every way but one: we have unlimited desire." - Kent Dunnington

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content."  - Paul the Apostle of Jesus

Denial

"It's an occasional indulgence that does not control me" I say in a dismissive tone.

Setting it aside for a time feels right. It allows me to test myself and be at peace with who I am.

Indulging whenever there is a whim is to be like a child. Rub my beard and remember that I am a man.

Seeing the world differently when the lens of my desire is removed is a refreshing sight.

Eventually savoring it when it is enjoyed in its proper place is a hopeful aspiration.

I Walk Alone and Wonder

I walk alone back to my room across the desert with the wind blowing sand in my eyes. Just Look at this Mess sings in my ears as I blink fast to try and clear the blur on my contacts.

I lie like the color of the rainbow
I cheat like the daisies in the field

As the words roll around in my head I wonder how they apply to me.

I walk alone on the steep incline of the treadmill. I am face the gym mirror, not because I am vain - although I might be - but because all of the treadmills face the mirrors. As I pick up the pace and jog for three minutes I wonder what lies I am telling myself.

I walk alone in a dream and a whisper in my head tells me I am no longer the one for anyone.I feel the separation in a new way. I sit in the vulnerability like I am told I must. Since I have lied I wonder if I was ever the one for anyone at all.

Good on ya old man!

I haven’t been running. I didn’t stop running because I didn’t want to run. I stopped running because I couldn’t run. I ran The Maze on the last Saturday in March. Then I ran very little the month of April and May because I knew I needed the rest.

When I decided to start back I felt fully recovered and nothing hurt so threw myself in to running as if I had never taken any time off. After five days of running and a hard day of work in the yard my left knee told me that enough was enough.  I went for a run on a Monday morning and my knee hurt each time my left foot hit the ground. I thought “no big deal. I will take a couple of days off and be just fine. But that was not the case. The fleshy part in the back of my knee hurt. I tried mixing in running with walking. I added a knee brace when it didn’t get better. And then all I could do was walk. My knee didn’t hurt went I was not running but any impact at all caused me to stop in my tracks.

After a couple of months of struggling and making no progress towards healing my knee Andrea told me, “What advice would you give someone else? You would tell them to take ibuprofen, wear a good brace and take time off.” She is the smart one.

So I took off with no running at all for almost a full month.

On September 3^rd I put my knee brace on and had high hopes that everything would be okay and I would be able to run like the wind. I took my first steps out of the driveway and walked to warm up and then I tried to run. It was not pretty. The pain was different but there was still pain. And I sulked. The further I walked the more disappointed I got. There were other people running that morning and I was just mad at them. Why is it they get to run and not me?

An older man ran by across the street from me and I secretly wanted him to trip. If I can’t run nobody else should be able to either. I started thinking how stupid I was being. At least I can walk. And I should be happy for the old man. So I thought “Good on ya old man!” as the Kiwis would say.

For the rest of the walk I thought about maybe never being able to run again on a regular basis. I knew it would come someday but not when I am only 48 years old. Why would I miss it so much?

While I was off I lifted weights. I would do 20 second repeats of 18 different exercises in rapid succession to try to keep my cardio up. I did push-ups, pull-ups and planks. So what was the difference? Why wasn’t that enough?

Strength training in my garage was about staying in shape, which is good. Running helps me stay in shape. But when it comes down to it the thing that draws me to running is that it is an adventure. It is a journey every day. There are some places we have either visited or lived where the journey is much more fun and the adventure is more grand but even in a subdivision in Pearland there is enough journey and adventure to make me want to come back to run as many mornings as possible. To run on the golf course and look across the man-made lake to where the thin glow on the horizon is a sign that a new day is coming is enough for now.

Since September 3 I have gotten out every other day and my knee feels better. I am still walking and running but I can tell that my knee is healing. I am going to try to be patient and get my adventure back. Then someday a random younger person will tell me “Good on ya old man!”

Mount Taylor 50k

Jakeb got me into this mess. He told me that we had to run a trail race. A 50k. So we looked and looked. We had to find a race that happened in the fall but it had to be before October because a baby is coming. We found a race in New Mexico - The Mount Taylor 50k. It was at the right time. It is a 50k. It is run completely on dirt, in the mountains, all over 9000 feet elevation, over Mount Taylor at 11301 feet with 7000 feet elevation gain overall. So we signed up and started to train.

Very early on in the training Jakeb hurt his foot and could not run the race. But he told me he still wanted to come along. I flew to Lubbock and then together we drove to Grants, New Mexico for the race.

Race morning was awesome. Jakeb and I stood at the starting line and the weather was cool, the sky was clear and there were more stars in the sky than I have seen in a long time.

Pre-race instructions were given through a bull horn. I hugged Jakeb and someone yelled “Go!”

We ran downhill for a really short distance and then headed uphill immediately toward La Mosca Lookout. Running was not an option. It was a power hike all the way up the hill. The idea is that you will top the hill as the sun comes over the horizon as the Navajo tradition is to run to meet the sun. But by the time I got there the sun was well over the horizon so I met it but I was just a little later than the Indians.

After topping the lookout at over 10000 feet the trail went down and then started rolling for the rest of the loop back to the start finish at mile 16. The Continental Divide Trail is part of the course and it is soft single track that was fun to run when I could and walk when it was too steep.

Leaving the start finish aid station I knew I would have to climb up to Mount Taylor but I had no idea how brutal it would be. I ran/walked the trail to the Gooseberry aid station at mile 21. Trader Joe’s was responsible for the aid station set-up and they had turkey, cheese and mustard wrapped in a tortilla. I was grateful for something savory because Gu, fruit and candy was getting old.

Leaving the aid station at mile 21 the course immediately sloped up. A mile and a half later the course breaks out of the trees and goes straight up. I would walk 10 or 20 steps and have to stop and rest. After hiking this way for what seemed like forever the trail turned into a series of switch-backs that provided some relief but not much. I was in a foul mood. Who designs a course that makes you run (and walk) 21 miles and then sends your worn-out self straight up an 11000 foot mountain? Someone who is sadistic – that’s who.

After toping Mount Taylor I was able to run down to the Caldera Rim aid station. There were veggie tortillas with avocado at this aid station and they were awesome. Then the aid station volunteer told me I had to run a four mile loop through Water Canyon before I could run the 2 miles to the finish. This didn’t make me any happier and I mostly walked the loop. It was three miles down, which I probably could have run but didn’t, and one mile up. So needless to say the one mile up was crazy steep and again brutal.

Once I finished the loop I only stopped at the aid station long enough for them to record my number and then mostly ran the last two miles.

I finished in 8:34:22. My only goal was to finish. The time I ran reflects the training I put into this race. Could I run it faster? I am sure I could. Will I try? I don’t know. There are other races to run so I may not come back to this one. If Jakeb decides he wants to try it I may come back because it is worth it to hang out with him. Am I glad I did it? Absolutely!

Mount Taylor 50k Pre Race

I am arrogant.

Sometimes I am over confident. That is not always a bad thing but it can be. As I approach the Mount Taylor 50k I am confident I can finish. Maybe over-confident. I will not run it fast, in fact I will not run it all. There will be a lot of walking involved because I am not trained for a fast 50k. But I am trained and I am pretty sure I can finish.

I am insecure.

There are times when I have run a long run during this training cycle and have been so tired and have thought to myself "you are never going to be able to run 50k at altitude in the mountains. You are not a good enough runner. You are getting old and slow. How stupid can you be?”

These two scenarios play themselves out in my life over and over. As a Christian. As a husband. As a dad. As an employee.

I’ve got this. Everyone around should be so lucky to even be in my presence. I don’t need anybody but me.

I wonder if I am smart enough. Man enough. Strong enough. Wise enough …I don’t think I can ever do this on my own.

I need balance. The balance that comes from seeing myself as I really am and not as either a super hero or a nobody.

Mount Taylor 50k is on Saturday. I hope to have fun running in the mountains of New Mexico. And if I finish then great but there is a chance I don’t and that’s okay too. It really is …

 Because of the grace allotted to me, I can respectfully tell you not to think of yourselves as being more important than you are; devote your minds to sound judgment since God has assigned to each of us a measure of faith. Romans 13:3

Stop this Train

I ran this morning and listened to music and thought. That’s what I do when I run. I think.

John Mayer’s song “Stop this Train” came on and I listened … and thought. He sings about how the world isn’t always the most ideal place, especially as you get older and watch the generation ahead of you get older. And I thought. And I agree.

The world is not an easy place and the longer you live the higher the chance that you will experience something that is hard. It is hard to watch your parents grow older or even to lose them. It is hard to know and experience that you are not always the awesome husband or father or friend or employee that you thought you were. It’s hard to watch people around you suffer. It is easy to look around and read the news and listen to people talk and know that the world is a messed up place. All of it makes me want to sing “Stop this train. I want to get off and go home again. I can’t take the speed its moving in. I know I can’t. So honestly won’t someone stop this train.”

And then the song takes a turn:

Once in a while when it’s good

It’ll feel like it should

And they’re all still around

And you’re still safe and sound.

There is the hope. The world is messed up. Heck I am messed up. But at the worst there are still glimpses of how it is supposed to be. How it is getting fixed even though I can’t always see it. At my most broken is where redemption has the most potential. It can be fixed and made new.

I know that redemption won’t be fully realized until the other side of time. But somehow I know it can get better here too. And that is my hope. To be redeemed. To be made new. To be a part of that process and not just hope it happens without my participation.

“If anyone is in Christ they are a new creation, old things are passing away and all things are being made new…”

In other news I am training to run Mount Taylor 50k. It is a race in the mountains outside of Grants, New Mexico. The entire race is above 9000 feet and tops out at 11,305 feet at the summit of Mount Taylor with 7000 feet of elevation gain.

I haven’t run anything longer than a half marathon since my last marathon in Singapore in June of 2013.

What am I doing to train for altitude? Nothing really, just running miles at sea level.

What am I doing to train for running up and down mountains? Nothing really, just running miles in pancake flat south Texas.

It may sound cliché – but really, my only goal is to finish. And I am looking forward to the race very much.

When Running Might be Unhealthy and a Memorial to a Great Place to Run

My plan for a long time has been that on my last morning in Singapore I would run the trails around MacRitchie Reservior. It is without a doubt mine and Jakeb’s favorite run in Singapore and I’ve written about it quite a bit here already.

The problem though is that for the last couple of days Singapore has had a haze problem. “Haze” is really too benign of a word for what we are experiencing. Farmers in Sumatra Indonesia have been burning fields to prepare for planting palm trees for the palm oil business and the smoke from those fires are washing over Singapore. The government is issuing health warnings and saying to wear a mask and stay indoors. Walking around outside is like walking in the smoke of a campfire. It is horrible.

So should I run or not? That was not even a question for me really. I had to run MacRitchie on my last day here. I had the trails mostly to myself like when it rains. I saw seven people and only two were runners. I think my oxygen uptake and my carcinogen uptake were probably equal. But I see it as a gift. I got to run MacRitchie almost alone. It was a good morning … and kind of coughy.

At the end of the run I sat at the trailhead and took off my running shoes. I unlaced the string from a couple of holes and tied them together at the ends. I stood knee deep in MacRitchie and slung them up in a tree as high as I could. There is a pair of Brooks Pure Flows with a little more than 300 miles on them hanging from a tree over the lake as a memorial from the running Stunzes.  

Goodbye Singapore.

Sundown Marathon is done – It’s time to go to Texas!

Jakeb and I spent all day Saturday trying to figure out how to act. How do you prepare for a Marathon that starts at 11:30pm? We’ve always run morning marathons. When do you eat and what? How much do you sleep and at what time?

I ate ceral for breakfast, pasta from Dan Ryan’s for lunch and beef hor fun for dinner at a little before 7pm. I slept for about two hours from 2 – 4 pm; otherwise the day was pretty normal.

Andrea saw us off at about 9:30pm and graciously volunteered to pick us up when at the finished if we couldn’t find a taxi. As we walked out of the condo to catch a taxi to the race my friend Procosh pulled up beside us in his car and asked if we would like a ride to the marathon. I said “sure.” He works downtown and planned to park at his office and walk to the starting line so we went along for the ride.

We checked in our bag told Procosh “good luck” and waited around for the start. When the start chutes opened we lined up near the four hour pace group and were only a few yards from the starting line. The fastest pace group at the race was four hours. This is not going to be a fast crowd. I am normally in the very center of the starting chutes at a marathon with as many people in front of me as are behind. But not at a Singapore marathon where much of the crowd is planning to go much slower.

Beforehand Jakeb and I decided not to try to stick together. He wanted to hang with the four hour pace group as long he could. I knew I didn’t have a change at anything near a four hour marathon especially since we had trashed our legs two weeks earlier climbing Mount Kinabalu.

The gun went off and I told Jakeb “later” and off we went. I started at what felt like an easy pace but I checked my watch at the first mile and was running a 9:10 pace which would be a four hour marathon. So I slowed down and tried to stay in a comfortable zone. And pretty much that is how the whole race went. I ran almost the entire way with the exception of the last 4 kilometers where I mixed in some walking but mostly running.

Jakeb finished in 4:20:39 and I finished in 4:41:52. It was Jakeb’s slowest marathon and my second slowest. Singapore is a tough place to run a marathon especially if you want a fast time. Jakeb finished in 360th place out of 6389 finishers (top 5%). I finished in 709th (top 11%).

In my opinion the Sundown Marathon is better than Standard Charter. This marathon is more of a runner’s race than Standard Charter. The start finish area has more for the runner. And the course is better with well planned water stations some with bananas and gels. Much of the course is the same as Standard Charter but the night time views are cool especially when you run across the bay from downtown and the flyer. And the best part is the course doesn’t go over that bridge at the finish in the searing Singapore heat. Obviously the weather is milder at night.

We were spent when it was over. There were taxis everywhere on the streets near the finish so Andrea got to stay in bed. I hit the pillow at 5:30 am and didn’t get up until 11:30 am.

That was the last big thing on my personal Singapore list. Anna needs to finish 8th grade. There are still places we need to go eat. Jakeb is on the schedule for another tattoo while Andrea has hers touched up. We need to say some “see you laters” to some people. But for the most part it is time to go home. Andrea, Anna and I have been looking forward to June 22nd for what seems like a very long time. Texas here we come!

Sundown Marathon – most unorthodox training cycle ever and why I CAN

The Sundown Marathon starts Saturday night at 11:30 pm. Today I started carbo loading. It’s weird because Andrea and I have lessened our starchy carb intake recently so eating rice noodles for breakfast and rice for lunch has me feeling heavy. Our change in eating (which you can read about here ->link) makes me feel much better but I know I need the fuel for the marathon and really don’t know any other way to get it other than eat potatoes and rice. I plan to skip the bread and pasta though.

My training for this marathon has included a 30k race called The Maze. The weeks following The Maze I mostly took off from running while we worked on our house in Texas. Then I came back to Singapore and ran an 18 mile, a 20 mile and a 19 mile long run followed by a back off week of 12 and then I climbed a mountain with Jakeb. For the last two weeks I have been recovering from the climb and have done very little running. Jakeb and I ran MacRitchie on Saturday for eight miles. I had no fuel in my body and the run was horrible. Three days from now Jakeb and I will run a marathon for which I don’t have high expectations as far as my finishing time goes.

As I read that last paragraph I am struck by the reason I CAN run marathons (and climb mountains). One reason is because God has given me a healthy body and I work hard not to take that fact for granted. But another major reason is that I have a wife in Andrea who supports this craziness. Andrea from the beginning almost exactly 20 years ago has not just endured my running but has encouraged it. We go to bed early so I can get up before work and run. She hangs out without me for hours on Saturday morning so I can run long runs. Just now we changed our plans to eat Peaking Duck because I need a more starch heavy meal the night before the marathon. And she agreed. And we both really like Peking Duck. I love Andrea for a bunch of reasons and one of them is that she is a big part of nurturing my love of adventure and the everyday journey that running is. She has even run and walked races of her own. And I believe as a result we’ve passed on that love of adventure to our son.



Climbing Mount Kinabalu in a Day and Happy Birthday to Me

I woke up on May 19th 2013 in Malaysia (Borneo) to a card from Andrea for my birthday. To paraphrase she encouraged me to “get closer to the one who created you, to get closer to the one you helped create, and get closer to yourself”. Andrea always encourages me to be a better me, sometimes on purpose and sometimes without trying. I am lucky to have her as my wife. How many other women would encourage their husband to take his son and climb the highest peak in Southeast Asia on his birthday? 

Jakeb and I woke up, ate a breakfast of bread pastries and was downstairs waiting for our ride to Kinabalu Park Headquarters at 5:30 am. 

Mount Kinabalu is the tallest peak in Southeast Asia at 4095.2 meters or 13425 feet. It is normally climbed over the course of two days with a one night stay at the Laban Rata Resthouse at 3272 meters. For my 46th birthday I wanted to hike to the summit and back down with Jakeb in one day.

I had made arrangements with Amazing Borneo Tours to do the one day hard core Low’s Peak Summit hike. The main reason I booked a tour is because when I researched climbing Mount Kinablu in one day I found that only four permits are issued a day and if you try to get one on your own you have to be at the park headquarters the day prior to your climb and there is no guarantee that you will even get a permit. But pay extra and book early through a tour company and of course your chances are almost 100% to get a one day climbing permit.

We arrived at the park at 7:15 am and the guy from Amazing Borneo got our climbing permits and introduced us to our guide Safree. Safree has run the Kinabalu International Climbathon from the trailhead to the summit and back in 2 hours and 44 minutes. He would be more than capable to take us to the summit and back down in a day no problem. Now it was just up to Jakeb and me to make it to the top. The permits we signed made it clear that to continue to the peak we would have to make it to the Laban Rata resthouse by 10:30 am and to Low’s Peak by 1:00 pm. And if the weather deteriorated we would be turned back.

The skies were clear as we started out from Timpohon Gate at 7:55 am. We were supposed to start by 7:30 but the tour bus had to pick up another couple which made us a bit late and me a lot nervous. Being late put me on edge but I also felt like God was saying, “I’m in control of this Tommy. You can’t change the timing. All you can do is hike. Stop worrying about it.”

We set off on a brisk pace with Safree up front, Jakeb in the middle and me behind. The uphill hike is mostly made of steps that are either carved in the hill or made from various sized rocks. There is never a consistent rhythm to the steps one takes because the steps in the mountain vary in size so much. As we continued on it slowly became clear to me that we were moving at a pace that was faster than I could maintain so we backed off a little. 

Jakeb and I were both taking S-caps to maintain our salt and electrolyte levels and we were eating almonds and trail mix. We each had three liters of water in a camelbak and a one liter nalgene bottle. I was sweating like crazy but I always do.

The lower parts of the trail had the same sort of foliage we walked through in New Zealand. As we got close to Laban Rata we met people who were on their way down. One of the locals told us we would not have a problem making it to the top because we had the mountain runner as our guide. Just below Laban Rata I started feeling the beginnings of cramps in my quads from all of the pulling up the taller steps.

We arrived at Laban Rata at 10:18 and Safree told us to rest for 10 minutes and then we would continue the climb. Jakeb and I drank a cup of hot tea and ate some trail mix and then continued on. On the steps above Labal Rata my quads cramped for the first time. I had to sit down and elongate the quad muscles to stretch them. Afterwards they felt better and we continued to climb. Jakeb’s muscles bother him a little too but not nearly as bad as mine. Right as we hiked above tree level the clouds got thick and we would get the occasional sprinkle of rain. I was worried we would get turned back but Safree kept charging ahead.

Then climbing up one section where we had to use ropes my quads cramped again. I stretched and started moving but I only made about 10 steps and they cramped again. I told Jakeb “I’m done. I am going to sit here while you and Safree go to the summit and then meet me back here.” He asked “Are you sure.” And I said “yeah” and I assumed my day was done.

If I would have stopped there I would have been disappointed but I would have been okay with it. I had done my best and that’s all I can ask of myself.

I lay down on the side of the mountain with my heals pulled against my butt to stretch my quads. I was there about 5 minutes and it started raining. I stood up to get my rain gear on and thought to myself “My legs feel okay”. So I started to hike uphill slowly. And I felt good. I decided to walk until I came upon Jakeb and Safree coming down from the summit and see how far my legs would take me. 

As I climbed a little further I came out of the clouds and in the clear there was an amphitheater of peaks around me and I was struck, like I always am when I take time to look, at the wonder of God’s creation. I looked at Low’s Peak and I could see Jakeb and Safree starting the climb up the ridge line. Above them were four other climbers. So much for the fact that the park only issues four one-day permits; this day they issued five.

I continued to walk steadily upwards and before long I found myself at the base of the ridgeline that leads to the summit. Some of it requires you to use your hands and feet to climb up. I heard Jakeb yell, “Come on dad!”

Jakeb made it to the summit of Mount Kinabalu at 12:30 and I arrived at 12:42. As soon as I got there he said “Happy Birthday Dad.” We stayed on the summit for a few minutes. A guy from New Zealand took our picture as it started to rain. We got our rain gear out and headed down.

The walk back down was wet and slippery and we had to use the ropes quite a bit. We stopped at Laban Rata and got a bowl of cream of chicken soup each (sans chicken) two Carlsbergs for me and a coke for Jakeb. I paid more for that meal than any we ate on the whole trip.

We walked hard and got back to the trailhead at a little before 5 pm for a total of 9 hours of hiking.

It was a good day. I got closer to Jakeb, I learned more about myself, and I got closer to God. It was one of the better birthday presents I have ever been given. Thanks babe.

Running in Texas, Running in Singapore

For my two weeks home in Texas the weather was cool. It was in the 40 or 50 degree fahrenheit range every morning. On the mornings I ran at home I ran on the sidewalks around our subdivision so it was all flat. I wore my garmin every run because I don’t have any idea of the distances yet and I would consistently see paces in the 8:15 to 9:00 minute per mile range while running comfortably.

So I got back to Singapore and last Monday morning I laced up my Brooks and took off toward Telock Blangah hill. I ran like I was still in Texas. As I pushed up the tree top walk I felt good and strong. But I paid for it. By the time I crossed Henderson my legs and body said “that is enough” and the last three miles were brutal. Now I am back to running at paces more like 9:00 to 9:45 range. It is amazing what heat humidity and hills do to one’s ability to maintain a pace that is completely manageable in cooler weather.

I look forward to running in cooler Texas weather for a short time every year. I will not miss the Singapore humidity but I will miss running in the rain. It is somehow different running in the rain here than in Texas.

I do not look forward to the monotony of flat Texas sidewalks in a subdivision. I will miss the treetop run, Kent Ridge and MacRitchie Reservoir. I hated the hills when I got here but I have made peace with them now.

I’ve known people who have trained for marathons in the US tell me they could never train for one here in Singapore. But Singapore and its heat humidity and hills have made me a better runner. I trained in Singapore for the 2011 Texas Marathon and set a marathon PR.

I have a friend named Procosh. He is from India and he runs. I had no idea. I saw him at our condo a couple of times with his kids. I’ve seen him outside smoking a cigarette. And then I was running at MacRitchie one Saturday morning on a training run and there was Procosh with a camelback on his back running the North Face 100k. A guy who smokes running a 100k! We hadn’t really talked before then but on that day we said hi and now we have great conversations about running while standing in the condo driveway. I will miss the diversity of people in Singapore – like my friend from India who runs and smokes although he says he is going to stop someday soon (smoking that is).

Two weeks in Texas

My flight from Doha landed early in Houston Saturday afternoon and I was on the road to Austin by 7 pm and in Austin by 10. My prerun dinner was a chicken sandwich and fries from Burger King on the road between Houston and Austin with a couple of Newcastles when I got to the hotel for good measure.

Jakeb and I woke up at 5 am and got ready to run. It was really windy and cold (about 45 degrees) when we picked up our race chips. The race started at 7 am and we were completely unprepared for it to be dark. It was a good thing other people around us had headlamps. We were running behind a girl that asked if we wanted to pass her. I said “No we appreciate the light.” She replied “Oh I see, you’re using me for my light. When you win make sure you mention my name.” I said “No chance of that happening. Me winning I mean”.

Jakeb and I ran the whole race together. Our pace was right on and we ran comfortably the whole time. I tripped on the second lap and scrapped up my knee and right hand. Then on the last lap I tripped twice. My left pinky was bleeding pretty bad but we were almost done. My race number has spots of blood on it. I thought that was cool.

We ran the whole race except through the aid stations (2 on each loop) and the last hill. We finished in 3:19:56. The Maze is a great race.

Afterwards I spent most of the rest of the time in Texas working on the house. Andrea and Anna got there on Thursday night and Tori, Austin and Jakeb came on Friday. We were all together for Easter weekend and it was good to have everyone under one roof.

We primed, floated, textured, and painted. We hired a contractor to remove almost 800 square feet of ceramic tile (what a mess). I built a new gate for our cedar fence. We ate good food. Some we cooked and some we ate out. We celebrated Jakeb’s birthday. I got to spend some time with my dad.

It was hard to leave Texas to come back to Singapore. But it helps knowing we have tickets to move home in June.

For this is your calling - to do good ...

I got a new tattoo and I like it a lot. This makes tattoo number three and it is on my forearm so it is exposed most of the time. The reactions I’ve gotten from it have been interesting. Most of them have been positive.

In a week and a half I fly to Houston, land on Saturday night, drive to Austin and then after a short night of jet lagged rest I run a 30k trail race. Training has gone really well so I am hoping for an awesome race at The Maze.

I am still doing speed work at the track one day a week and it has been a bit of a soap opera. Over a month ago I was running in the inside lane like normal and an old guy was weaving in and out of lane one and two as he walked. I timed his weave and said “on your left” and I freaked him out. I didn’t mean to but it scared him and he jumped on to the grass beside the track which was to his left and we almost collided.

The next week I went to the track and was running hard around a turn and the same old man, walking again in the inside lane, started motioning wildly for me to pass on the right and not the left. I was not in the mood to be accommodating so I passed on the left and brushed by him sliming him with my sweat.

He was obviously not amused. When I finished up I walked backwards on the track to meet him and try to explain why I was doing what I was doing. I told him it was normal for those going fastest to use the inside lanes and those slower to move progressively to the outside lanes. That is track etiquette. Those are normally the rules.

I thought this would make sense to them because Singaporeans supposedly are famous about following the rules. What I forgot is that rules are only to be followed when they are convenient or when there is severe punishment attached to breaking them. Anyway an older lady came up to help the man I had offended and she said “He is very old and it is much too far for him to walk on the outside lane.”

I thought "he may be very old but he is in very good shape because his walk is brisk. And I am only asking for half a lane not the outside"

I said, “Well he is here for the exercise right? Just don’t walk as many laps if it is too far. And second, are you telling me if you are old you don’t have to follow the rules?”

They said, “We have been coming here for a long time and you just started coming.”

I said, “And … that means you don’t have to follow the rules?” I told them “Nevermind” in my most sincere singlish and said “I like it here. I’ll be back next Wednesday.”

The next week I made sure I swung wide around the walkers using the inside lane and didn’t get too close to offend. I also told every person “Good morning!” in a loud happy voice. I was not trying to be insincere but hoped to smooth it over a little. The man that was mad at me looked at me out of the corner of his eye, pressed his lips tightly together and gave me one stern head shake then stared off in the distance. I guess he did not want me to be nice.

This morning the old man and his wife showed up at the track after I had already started running. They sat on the stands and watched for a while and left before I was done. I guess they decided it is not worth exercising when the big white guy is on the track. I wish they would exercise when I am there but I am not going to stop going so they can - at least not until June when we move back to Texas.

Never pay back a bad turn with a bad turn or an insult with another insult, but on the contrary pay back with good. For this is your calling—to do good and one day to inherit all the goodness of God. 1 Peter 3:9

I am obviously not always so good at this …

Adapting, self-discipline and a better me

Jez Bragg recently completed a run the full length of the Te Araroa trail. The trail starts at the tip of the North Island of New Zealand and finishes at the tip of the South Island. It is 3054 kilometers (1898 miles) and he completed it in 53 days – the fastest ever – completely under human power either running or kayaking. I watched a video where he talked about being amazed at his body’s ability to adapt to the long distances he ran day after day.

I haven’t run 1898 miles in 53 days. I fell 500 miles short of that all of last year. But I am still amazed at my body’s ability to adapt to increased mileage. In the last couple of weeks my long runs have gone from 8 miles to 12 miles to 14 miles in just three weeks. I’ve added speed work at the same time. Last week I thought I was probably overdoing it because my hamstrings, especially my right one was hurting. It was bad enough that on Wednesday what I did at the track could better have been categorized as “faster than a jog” work.

But this weekend I ran 14 miles again and I felt strong throughout the whole run. Then I ran 5 Sunday and felt like normal – almost like I hadn’t run a long run the day before.

It’s not just a physical thing. It is mental as well. I knew in my head that when I stepped out this morning that my legs would be dead and because of it I didn’t want to go. But I went anyway. I ran over Telock Blangah hill and my legs were surprisingly fresh. I am glad my brain didn't keep me from running. Some mornings it would have.

I think about Lent starting this week. The body has to adapt to the Lenten fast. It can be physical, and mental. But adapting to the physical change and the mental shifts that have to occur are part of what changes me for the better spiritually. Making my mind and body do something that is not easy or comfortable make me a better me.

In reading the lives of great men, I found that the first victory they won was over themselves... self-discipline with all of them came first. Harry S. Truman

Self-respect is the root of discipline: the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.
Abraham Joshua Heschel

I was worried about building up to The Maze, but I think I will be just fine. I have to pay attention and not take advantage of my body’s adapting to high mileage by overdoing a good thing. If I can keep pushing myself out of the door in a sensible self-disciplined way I’ll be okay.

Same with Lent, I have to pay attention to everyday discipline and when Easter gets here I will be a better me.